Starting over … many (most?) of the previous requests were not answered (in the manner I hoped… sigh), if at all (‘wait for it…’ is ALWAYS an answer, but some of these situations have closed up altogether.)

So, I start this list again, with simpler statements—that are urgent to me, at this stage of my life…

If they sound morbid, it is because the personal challenges that are invading my peace seem substantial (mostly those within, but some from without).

1. I need energy to finish the course. No problems with faith itself (God gets ‘bigger’ every day for me—as I continue to reflect on what He must ‘be’ and/or ‘be like’…). At 73, it seems that the accumulated regrets, failures, embarrassments, and missed opportunities of a life like mine are crushing me… the inertia of getting moving is very high, but—of course—the tasks I have facing me daily are fairly large and complex and WAY ‘out of my wheelhouse’… so I need energy, vitality, and especially ‘impulse power’ to move from ‘a state of restless rest’ to a state of CALM-BUT-STEADY MOTION… (smile).

2. I need help prioritizing my workload. Even though it has technically decreased since losing my job, it SEEMS more daunting and fatiguing [I have discoved the reason the word ‘retired’ has the word ‘TIRED’ inside it!]. It might be due to ageing, accumulated/untreated depression, weight gain, occasional sin, lack of discipline, and – probably more relevant – fear of failure. (And fear of interruption—massively consumptive for me, to have to context-switch between difficult tasks—seemingly too often an experience). I have major categories of spiritual life, music lessons for my grandkids, thinktank ‘clean up’, thinktank research/writing, communication (email, zoom), health issues, care of needy family members, admin/operations/finance [no ‘recreation’ in there … sigh.]

3. Connected with the above, I need help in managing feelings (and propensities) when I DO get to focus on a task for a while—and I get some momentum up. I tend to respond with (internal only!) irritation when the next interruption invades... I cant seem to win this… the interruption stream is constant (my over-exaggeration…lol), but it has become a thing of ‘fear’ actually… the old ‘things going well—that means something spiky is about to invade’ theme of many.. I need the Spirit to soften this aspect of my behavior so I can serve better/longer in the areas to which I am currently assigned…

4. Need to lose weight. It seems (we are not sure) that it is impacting the diaphram, so my coughs (which can trigger a vasovagal fainting) and shortness of breath (which affects my ability to do things with family) pose a big challenges. They cannot find anything major wrong (that would create these things, as well as the edema in the right leg), and labs/vitals all seem okay… working on this, but prayer support would be super appreciated and no doubt super helpful. I have new pain in my upper thigh (checked it for clot already), and growing numbness in the fingers on my left hand. Will investigate this if the regimen of exercise and diet do not impact it soon.

5. Need wisdom on finances. I am six-digits in debt (mostly HELOCs—so I still have a ‘positive net worth'—but no liquidity), so—with current interest rates—my interest expense is very high [$1,897.47 last month, for example]. I move debt around to take advantage of lower rates, but it doesn’t help much—transfer fees being what they are, and floating interest rates. When I try to restrict spending (which is almost exclusively for/on other folks – ‘hilarious giver’, still), I don’t get a strong impression that I am supposed to -- I seem to ‘sense’ to keep on (for others), and trust the Lord’s provision for all this—still accumulating debt, but not ‘marketable assets’ (lol)… Need wisdom on how to avoid getting into a situation that would significantly impact my family after my demise (for me: ‘a demise to a new sunrise’!). I am avoiding having to make a decision about trying to find employment again, but the kind of work I could do now would not be significant enough a source of income (and Medicare income limits have to be avoided also). I don’t have academic credentials for finding a local teaching job, and since I have had to topic-hop CONSTANTLY on the Tank, I am not a ‘subject matter expert’ at ANYTHING—LOL. At any given moment, I might know a lot about SOME TOPIC, but when that is written up and posted, that knowledge is GONE—replaced by the next topic… My personal living expenses (apart from debt service and a car note) is small—and would fit within my Social Security and small IRA. But I carry expense loads for other family members that essentially doubles it--for the next 2-3 years (depleting the IRA way too fast). So, wisdom and ‘cleverness’ is needed… but my confidence is still solid in the God of all provision and JIT-need-meeting!

6. My family needs help. Some need heart-healing, some need relationship-repairs, some need major progress in their spiritual journey. My step-daughter – who now helps me a little on Tank administration / cleanup – has many physical challenges (i.e. JDM, SSc, gastroparesis, endometriosis —with surgery indicating between stage 3 and 4) which impact the broader issues (e.g. cPTSD, pNES, ED--strength to fight purging behaviors!) she is in therapy for (w/ a new, great therapist—so hope is higher than in the past!). She has recently become a believer in Jesus, and the presence of the Spirit inside her life is starting to show up – even though she is not actively pursing discipleship yet. She is open and gifted and learning and a support to me now. I am not good at being human, a parent, member of society, husband or even a friend or housemate. [Never really have been—I am a ‘carefully shaped mutant’ (IMO) for the one thing He seems to have blessed me to do – ‘and when I run, I feel His good pleasure’…] (*NOTE 1 below). She is the most impacted by my inaction, paralysis, avoidance, hiding, and ‘flight responses to trauma/stress’. And time is running out … I personally interpret all the challenges she faces as an INDICATION that God has something AWESOME for her to do!

7. There are some people wanting to help me re-org the Thinktank to make it more accessible. It is a mess, and it would be good if some prayers to Father were offered up for their efforts (and my ability to ‘allow’ and/or ‘enable’ such).

8. Another component of the prioritization issue is the ability to recognize and reject distractions. I am sure I have some level of ADHD, and I use distractions TO AVOID the stuff I NEED to do, and YEARN to do. Sometimes the ‘little tasks’ can be used to get moving (overcome the initial inertia) and I use them for this as needed, but since my modus operandi is to do everything COMPLETELY (so I wont have to context-switch BACK to this later!!!), even the simplest task can take 2-3x the amount of time I estimate for it (smile)—and especially if it involves something done for someone else.

9. It might be useful to list some the higher priority Tank projects I want to work on, for more specific prayer. In a rough (but debatable) order of importance (as I understand it):

   • Update to the Dying-and-Rising-Gods discussion (due to publications since I wrote the CopyCat articles)

   • Update to the Amorite/Canaanite ‘genocide’ articles (due to publications about their sexual practices since I wrote the articles).

   • A new ‘Letter to Readers’ – I have so much that should be said, and I havent written one of these in a while.

   • A new SHORT video series (?) on a summary of my faith at this point in my life (50 years of thinking clumsily through this…).

   • An extensive addition/update to the “did they make up the miracles” series to interact with the newer claims of literary borrowing from the Greek and Latin works (mostly championed by DR MacDonald – whose works I have been accumulating with the funds I have).

   • I have designed (but only being organizing materials so far) for a series on ‘why no laws against domestic violence in the ANE/bible?’.

   • I need to finish the Lukan census discussion (two pieces owed: Quirinius life and Tax impact of Apamea’s status—according to Pliny, etc.)

   • I need to get back to the ‘how I decide between competing religions’ – especially after all that has happened in the world in the past two decades!

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NOTE 1 (TMI...?):

I have been married “1.1” times (once for 16 years and once for 16 months), but did not know I was under a catch-and-release program. After I was ‘thrown back’ (sigh), they went on to get BETTER (or at least REAL) fish.

I didn’t make assumptions about that, though, and tried another relationship—very sensual/physical/intense—for a couple of months, that ended disastrously (with scars and bitterness and regrets everywhere).

Two years later, I tried one last time – nothing physical –with an amazing lady, but after only a year, it was clear that I did not have what it took to be a full, real partner in a real, full-time relationship. She was truly worthy of more than I was, and more than I could give, and more than I would be able to grow into.

Since then—1999—I have accepted my solo path, and not even daydreamed of trying again (in fear of creating more regrets and scars).

[But honestly, I realize now that my later intent to pursue such was largely based on a 'that is what I SHOULD DO' ['It is not good for man to be alone...'], and not from some felt-need for partner companionship. I think I am shaped more for the solitude in which I can thrive, create, and worship exuberantly. My social anxiety takes a heavy toll on me, in ALL encounters--even with blessed family. Not as it should be, but definitely how it is...]

The Lord has kept me more-than-busy with other matters (many of which I am not skilled for EITHER…sigh).

And as for ‘being a good friend’—sigh—the three or four TREASURED people in the US that I count in my ‘inner circle’ and ‘closest of friends’, I only interact with maybe once every 2-3-4 years(?!)…

So, that should suffice to argue for my self-assessment above…

BUT I accept this, and I give thanks for this humbling and embarrassing limitation –

“His strength is made perfect in my weakness’ … cracked clay pots, and rebuilding the wall with burned stones… “We—including me—are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, unto good works”.

His grace and providence brings life out of death and fruit out of dry ground.

When I was told by a local evangelical church in California that I could not teach there because of my divorce, it caused me to start trying to answer questions and objections on-line, on a non-Web 1993 network (One Net). Since – back then (lol) – ‘on the net no one knows you are a dog’, I figured that ‘on the net no one knows that I am divorced’…

God blessed that anonymous work, and with just 224 pages of those postings, I created the Thinktank (at someone’s suggestion and urging).

[I was allowed/blessed, though, to work with an independent prison ministry during this period, in spite of my marital status.]

Years later, I was allowed to teach some Sunday School classes in two churches in the area, which contributed to the early content of the Tank.

Shaped, then shattered, then salvaged… little glenn.